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*The most important tip to dating on social networks is to avoid making the mistake of “liking” you own status. Because when you "like" your own Facebook status it's like when you're having sex and you slap your own ass.
*A lot of girls like a guy who is a bad-ass. That’s why my conversations with women go like this:
GIRL: I like a man of danger.
ME: Come back to my place and we'll open the .exe attachments in my email!
*Dear Shirtless Guy in his Profile Picture, you REALLY want to impress girls? Get a job and pose in front of your cubicle.
*Dear Guy at the Dance Club, Please stop grinding random girls from behind like you are some kind of creepy penis-shaped bulldozer.
*They say you can get a girl to like you, if you can make her jealous. So I make sure the girl sees me with a pretty expensive handbag!
*Girls like when you tell them about the adorable things that children do. For instance, like when my little nephew asked me, "When babies are in the tummy do they use mommy's belly button as a window?" Cute! Thank God he didn't ask what they use as a door!
I know for a fact this guy who is single likes me and I like him, too. But he STILL hasn’t asked me out!
- Waiting Two Fortnights a.k.a. W.T.F.
Girls, I know it's frustrating when the guy you like feels the same way about you yet he still doesn’t make a move!
Most likely it’s because he’s still not 100% sure that you like him. Because guys don't get hints. So 1: Make eye contact. 2: Look down shyly. 3: Smile. 4: Deep-throat a banana. Lesson is, always carry a banana.
Guys just don’t get hints at all. Girls, you’ll have to shout at him like, “DO YOU GET SUBTLE BODY LANGUAGE? I'M LIFTING MY SKIRT AND HAPPILY POINTING TO MY LADY-GROIN! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?”
If you're snuggling up to him in the movie theater and he doesn't attempt to kiss you, you need to take the bucket of popcorn, dump it over his head, then slam it down over his face and start slapping the bucket yelling, "You are an idiot! I like you, dumb-ass! This is why you will never get a girlfriend because you are a stupid, stupid boy! Learn how to make a move, you stupid weenie!"
Then as everyone in the movie theater yells at you to shut up, scream back at them, "It's not my fault! This guy here is like a hockey game -- he's fun to look at but he's got no balls! If he was a chocolate dessert he'd be a plain brownie -- because he's got no nuts! He's like Santa Claus the day after Christmas -- he's got an empty sack!"
I Went to the Most Awesome Summer Concert Ever... with my Parents
When I was 17 years old there was this awesome 3 Day Outdoor Summer Concert. I wanted to go so bad! My parents, hearing my enthusiasm, thought, "How can we crush his dreams?"
So they said I could go BUT... only if they came along.
Um, no thanks. I'd rather miss the Most Awesome Summer Concert Ever than go with my parents. My parents were about as cool as Tabasco sauce in a frying pan sitting on an erupting volcano... on the Sun. Plus my dad has a bad habit of taking off his shirt to reveal his mooters (Man Hooters.)
I mean, I love my dad. But there's something I don’t understand about him… Every year his shorts get shorter and his socks get taller. He’s just not cool. One time my dad picked me up from school… on a bicycle-built-for-two.
I was embarrassed in front of my ENTIRE university.
Now that I don't want to go to the concert, my parents force me to go. As a compromise, I can bring one friend. My buddy was so excited to join me at the Most Awesome Summer Concert Ever. Poor guy had no idea what he was in for. 3 Days and 2 Nights with my parents.
There was this girl, Christina Spinelli-Feldman. Super-cute. I had a mega-crazy crush on Christina. I was like, "Hey Christina, so uh, I'm going to the Most Awesome Summer Concert Ever."
NOTE: Yes, it was actually called the Most Awesome Summer Concert Ever (sponsored by Pepsi, Pizza Hut, and Stridex Acne Pads.)
CHRISTINA: Me, too! Who are you going with?
ME: Uh, no one. I mean, my friend Russ. Yeah, we're totally going ourselves.
CHRISTINA: I'm going with Jen. Maybe we'll run into you!
No way that could happen because 75,000 people were going to be there. But at least something good was happening.
1 - Christina and I would have this entire bonding thing when we got back. We could share stories about the concert.
2 - I looked cool because she thought I was going with my buddy and NOT with my lame-o parents.
MORNING OF THE CONCERT
My mom is packing us lunches. Everyone else had sandwich baggies full of drugs. I'm going to have a sandwich baggie full of... a sandwich. Ugh.
She made turkey sandwiches for me and my friend.
MOM: Do you want Mayo or Mustard on your sandwich?
ME: I don't care.
MOM: Mayo or Mustard?!!
ME: Whatever. You pick.
MOM: MAYO OR MUSTAAAAAAAARD?!!!!
Now, I'm used to my mom screaming her head off for no reason, but my friend Russ looks like he just saw paranormal activity.
MOM: Fine! I'll make both!
Then mom prepares for everything. She packs extra underwear. Canned food. Powdered milk. Aspirin. Band-aids. A compass. Candles. A bread-making machine.
The bread-making machine I understand, because we're Jewish. If we're forced to make an Exodus, we're not going through that Matzah ordeal again!
It was a 7 hour car ride. It was actually only 3 hours but my mom somehow crammed 7 hours of small talk into 3 hours.
My mom is great but growing up she always gave me ridiculous “mom advice.”
She told me, “Always go out in CLEAN UNDERWEAR! Because what if you get hit by a bus?! Do you want everyone to know you’ve got dirty underwear?!”
What? That makes no sense! Because if I’m crossing the street and I see a BUS speeding at me…
My UNDERWEAR might have STARTED OUT clean...... haha.
The Most Awesome Summer Concert Ever lived up to its name. All the top bands were there: Puppy Blood Sacrifice, Gangstaz with Asthma, Death Angels of Murderous Death....
Russ and I are rockin' out in the sun when who do I bump into?
CHRISTINA: Oh my God! This is crazy! How are you?!!!
ME: (my voice cracks) Uh, okay.
Then I recover and ask smoothly,
ME: So uh, do you come around here often?
Then I hear the sound of the death bell tolling from about 15 feet away.
MOM: Do you want your sandwich?!!! Mayo or Mustard?!!!
ME: I don't care.
MOM: Mayo or Mustard?!!!!
ME: Either one, really!
MOM: MAYO OR MUSTAAAAAAAAARRD!!!!
Christina is horrified.
CHRISTINA: Oh my God! Is that your Dad up on the Jumbotron Video Screen with his shirt off?
My face is so hot that I actually begin to feel it melt off my skull. And just before Christina walks away she can hear my mom yelling at me, "You should put on fresh underwear! Take off your underwear!!!"
What else can happen to me?
That's when it starts to rain. Hard. Non-stop for 2 days. My mom brought EVERYTHING... except an umbrella. Or tent. So we spent the rest of the Most Awesome Summer Concert Ever sleeping on slippery muddy campgrounds surrounded by canned food, powdered milk, and a bread-making machine.
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